Edward's secret misery
by Waitinginadream
Summary: This takes place in New Moon, months after Edward has left Bella, right before he thinks she is dead. One shot.


[Note: This is written in Edward's point of view, but I have not read other fan fictions written in his point of view. Any similarities to other stories is purely coincidental. I have also not read Stephenie Meyer's version of Twilight that was written in Edward's point of view...(Midnight Sun or something?) This is simply my take on how he would sound or what he would say, I hope it is realistic enough.]

* * *

I do love her, I have always loved her. I always will love her, this is something I accepted long ago. All I need from this life is to have her in my arms. She is what keeps me alive. She replaced my unbeating heart and showed me what love was. How consuming it could be. This reason for my being, the love of my life, will never know what she truly means to me. In her eyes she isn't good enough for me and I have left her with her assumptions. I wish I could make her understand that it is me who is not good enough for her.

I'm a monster, a menace. I don't want to be this way, I don't want to survive by killing things. I am forever a slave to my thirst, so much so that when I first met her I had to fight and struggle to not attack her. I wanted her badly, the smell of her blood was so intoxicating. She was my drug...and I needed constant fixes. I didn't want to kill her. I knew a world without her was not a world I wanted to live in, but being what I am...a vampire, made me long for her in ways that make me hate myself. I saved her life, I stopped that bus from hitting her. It's true that if she had been hit, the smell of her blood would have been nearly unbearable. Even if I had been able to resist, I'm sure Jasper would have a beyond difficult time controlling himself. It would look far too suspicious to have us all holding him back, the look of hunger raging in his eyes. I thought of everything, all of the consequences that letting her die would bring. All of the complications it would bring me and my family.

That's not why I saved her. None of that mattered compared to the fact that she would be gone. No longer living. I didn't know her very well but I wanted to. It didn't take me long to fall completely in love with her. I didn't know much about mates, but I've seen enough of Alice and Jasper, Emmet and Rosalie, and Carlisle and Esme to know that the connection is undeniable. There is always that one person you could not stand losing, could not bear to think about being separated from. And with vampires, that person is your mate. Your one and only, your true love. You are destined to walk with this person forever. I never wondered what would happen if I fell in love with a human, in fact I never gave finding my mate much thought at all. I was content on my own, I knew she'd find me when the time was right.

The way I feel about Bella has me convinced that she is my one true love, my soul mate. My everything, my entire life. Humans could never understand the depth of my love for her, how much it truly consumes my entire soul. If I even have a soul. I know Bella isn't happy with my decision to leave her. I know she thinks I don't want her anymore, but that couldn't be any farther from the truth. I will always want her. I selfishly long to go back to her, to pull her in my arms and never let her go again. I fantasize about changing her on our wedding night, making her mine forever. I hate myself for even thinking about going back to her, when she will someday be fine living without me. She is a human, she has her whole life ahead of her. She'll go to college, get a career, meet a nice man, buy a house. There's no room for me in her future. Vampires and humans are not meant to be together. I regret stirring up her life and leaving her heartbroken and confused, I only hope she realizes how strong she really is and motivates herself to move on. It isn't fair to Charlie and her friends, the others that love her to see her in such a state. I think I must stop asking Alice for updates.

Sometimes she can't see what Bella is doing. I don't pretend not to know why, it's because of him. She spends a lot of time with him now, and I have no right to be angry about it. I have no right to feel anything about it at all. Jacob Black has always been a good friend to Bella, and she loves him. And if she ever loved him the way he loves her, then at least I know she'd be well taken care of. It's no secret that I don't care for him, but I do know that he has genuine feelings for her. She deserves to be loved and taken care of. Above all I want her complete happiness. I want her to be entirely blissful.

When her life ends, which it inevitably will, I don't think I will have the strength to carry on. As a vampire I fear nothing, no man..no wolf, no entity besides another vampire is strong enough to end me. My mental and physical abilities give me an upperhand in fights, the only way I could be destroyed is if I willingly allowed myself to be. I've gone through my life fearing nothing and no one, and now I am terrified all the time. If I lost her, I would not be able to continue living. She is the reason for me to stay...alive. She makes me feel like I'm not such a monster. I can't live in a world without her. I won't. Bella doesn't realize how truly fragile she is, how in an instant she can be taken away from me. As if I didn't already know that, I was reminded when she was tricked by James. I was reminded again when my own brother lunged towards her because of a papercut. My mere presence in her life was threatening her already delicate existence. Though I long for her daily, every minute of every hour, every second of every sleepless day and night, my main priority is to find Victoria and destroy her. I won't let any harm come to Bella, I will continue to protect her whether she is aware or not. I am forever devoted to her, despite what the future brings.

I am in love with you, Bella Swan. Now and forever, and nothing and no one will ever change that. I am sorry for every amount of pain that I've ever put you through, but I would rather die than ever put you in harm's way. I wish I could make you understand that, but I think that would make it even harder if you knew the truth. It's better if you think that I just don't want you. It's better if you forget my time in your life, and naturally as a human your memories will fade. New men will erase our time together, but you will forever be in my heart. You ARE my heart.

* * *

Edward stared at his journal and sighed as he closed it shut. He had gotten accustomed to writing down his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams...everything he wanted to say to Bella. Sometimes he ended up tearing the sheets out and throwing them away. Other times he burned the pages, or simply scribbled them out. He knew what he was doing probably wasn't healthy but he couldn't stop himself. He sighed as he looked out the window, staring out at the moonlight. He heard his phone go off and he slipped it from his pocket, not taking his eyes off the moon. He already knew it was his sister Rosalie, probably calling to check up on him. Honestly...he didn't need a babysitter. He was dealing with everything the best way that he knew how.

_"What is it?"_

He asked flatly, then he felt his heart sink to the floor. He nearly dropped the phone. He tried to keep calm as he hung up on his sister, not giving her a chance to calm him down. He dialed Bella's number and held the phone back up to his ear, his normally perfectly still hand shaking.

_"Is Charlie home?"_

He asked, trying to keep his voice calm and steady. Then the voice on the other end confirmed his worst fear. He was at a funeral. He heard the phone go dead and he shook with rage, his entire self consumed with misery. He crushed the phone in his hand and began to make plans to see the Volturi. It was the only way he could think of to die. He was already dead. Without her, he was already dead.


End file.
